Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Pardon my bluntness. Life sucks. Bad things happen to great people and people who don't deserve the dirt they walk on get great things. Life is not fair. At no time is that more apparent than when learning of an illness of someone who is your age...or who you are close to...or used to be close to. What makes it worse if having to walk your children through that. I love being a mom. I love my children...all 6 of them (if that number confuses you, see my profile). Nothing can bring more joy or pain than being a mother. Part of that journey is walking your children through grief. We have the honor of being able to teach our children about life. About the good and bad. Sometimes we forgot that this is an honor that has been bestowed upon us by God Himself. I have had to walk my children through this valley more than once. And that valley is not always the grief of life lost. It can be the loss of "what could have been." The loss of a relationship, a marriage, a home, a friend. Kids are resilient but that should not cause us to belittle the feelings they have. Feelings are very real for a four or five year old just like they are for an adult. My children are very compassionate. I am thankful that this will lead, hopefully, to lives as compassionate adults. They feel big. Some more than others. With big love also comes big anger and big grief. As children, they have had to walk through more grief than I ever did. I am walking through many of these loses for the first time with them. I am thankful, though, that I can walk them through grief guided by God's light. Filtering my responses through an eternal filter. I have the honor and awesome responsibility to teach them that God is in control. He will be glorified in the good and in the bad. He gives and takes away. He will work all things together for good...even when we don't understand. Between my depression, my husband's depression, and the amount of loss they have had to endure over the last four years, I am thankful that God is in control and that we can always hold on to Him. Even when nothing is left but our fingers clinging to the cross, He has never let go. Thank you, Lord, for our children and for making yourself known to them. Thank you that they have opportunities as children to spread your love for others and to demonstrate supernatural peace when everything in the world says that they should be a wreck. Thank you for giving my husband and I the words to say at the right times so that we can guide them through life's difficulties with your grace and peace.

Character Education

I have come to the realization over the course of several months that I want my children to be different. I want them to excel as they grow in to adults and thrive in adulthood if when they get there. :) I would love to homeschool, however, that is not an option for our family in this season. I can, however, begin to teach our children some of the things they could get with a homeschool education while they still attend public school. Fortunately, they attend a school that places emphasis on "a culture of kindness." It's even in their school motto/mission statement. For that, I am extremely grateful. Things that I can do at home, though, can go beyond what they learn at school. Just like you would help your child with their homework and encourage their academic learning, we can encourage their character learning. Encouraging the character qualities we want to see in our children is essential to how they will function as adults. How they will do in their jobs, how they will love their spouse, how they will parent...how they will love you as you age. This is something that is simple to do, even with a full time job and multiple children at different stages. I will try to keep an account of how this is working and what we are doing for those who would like to join us, or try your own version at home. The first thing I did was make a list of 17 different character qualities: Trustworthiness/Honesty, Respect, Responsibility, Fairness, Caring/Compassion, Citizenship/Patriotism, Perseverance, Self-discipline/Self-control, Courage, Integrity, Kindness,Hope/Optimism, Loyalty, Initiative, Contemplation, Adaptability, Forgiveness. I wrote them all on pieces of paper then had the kids take turns drawing them out of the bowl until we had one per month through the end of the year. This did two things: gave them some ownership in the process and kept them from saying that I was just picking ones I wanted. Here is what we ended up with: April - Responsibility, May - Initiative, June - Kindness, July - Contemplation, August- Integrity, September - Caring/Compassion, October - Self-Discipline/Self-Control, November - Fairness, December - Loyalty. When we start the new year, we will evaluate where we are. If we are doing well, then we will draw qualities for the entire year. Today we started Responsibility. Very simply, we defined it. The kids are 9, 7, 4, and 2. We still need to make sure they know what the word means before we expect them to put it into action. Our definition is, "being accountable for something within your control or management." As we go through the month, we will look for ways to be responsible, time when we can see and encourage others who are being responsible, and we will see what the Bible has to say about responsibility. My hope is that, through this process, our children will begin to see beyond themselves and see ways that they can serve God and serve others. I am also fully aware that this will change us as parents, too. Just a nice side effect! ;)

Be Still

So... A lot has happened since my last post. Some good, some not so good, yet all part of His plan. Part of our life is back on track, part is still far from where I thought we would be at this point in our lives. I have really been struggling for a while with not being where I think I should be, where we should be as a family. It is what I want. I have an idea of what I would like our family to look like, to act like, to do life like. It is not His plan...it is MY idea. If you had asked me 14 years ago, when we met, what my family would look like now, it would not be like this. If you had asked me 10 years ago, when we got married, what our family would look like now, it would not be like this. If you had asked me 5 years ago...well, you get the idea. I NEVER pictured life like this, spiritually. I have been thinking a lot about that. Why can I not have the relationship with God that I know I should have. Why can't my husband....my children? Why has parenting become so much harder as they have gotten older? Wasn't it supposed to get a little easier in ways? I thought I was prepared. I was not. On the way home, I was listening to Pandora and a song by Christy Nockels came on..."Be Still and Know." God really used that moment and the flow of the song to speak to me. On that drive home, all my worries, all my insecurities...it doesn't matter. He is GOD! I will hold on to that. I can't be still in my life, but I can know that He is God. My life could be falling apart worse than I could imagine, worse than I have experienced already...He is still God. I have said it before. Music is very powerful in my life. The way the notes flow, the lyrics, the feelings it explains or creates in me. God has given me that. Where words fail...Music speaks. Here is the link again...Christy Nockels, Be Still and Know

Worn

Tenth Avenue North - Worn Lyrics Artist: Tenth Avenue North Album: The Struggle I’m Tired I’m worn My heart is heavy From the work it takes to keep on breathing I’ve made mistakes I’ve let my hope fail My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world And I know that you can give me rest So I cry out with all that I have left Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Cause I’m worn I know I need to lift my eyes up But im too weak Life just won’t let up And I know that you can give me rest So I cry out with all that I have left Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Cause I’m worn My prayers are wearing thin And I’m worn Even before the day begins I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight I’m worn Heaven come and flood my eyes Let me see redemption win Let me know the struggle ends That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life And all that’s dead inside can be reborn Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn Though I’m worn Yeah I’m worn Strong words...powerful lyrics. For a long time, I have been struggling. I am worn out. Life, parenting, marriage, work...it all wears on us to some degree. Some more than others. Some seasons are harder than others. My struggle is feeling like I've been in this season for a VERY long time. Parts of what I have been through have been short, some have drug on for years. Some are personal, some are struggling as a family. I will not go into detail...this is not the place and now is not the time. My story is not done. Maybe...someday...this will be a powerful part of our testimony. Maybe...someday...God will use this experience to bring someone else to Him. I never imagined life like this. I look at others and envy what they have in their lives. Not material things, but relationships, friends, a view of life that I feel like I've lost. I have always turned to music and others' lyrics to help me understand and deal. Now is no different. Lord, help me to understand your will for this family and for me. Guide my thoughts back to you.

Struggles of a Working Mom

There is a constant debate among moms about who works harder, SAHMs or working moms. I won't even talk about the pressures that society and media place on moms on either side...or the pressure we place on ourselves. I posted a few thoughts a couple of years ago about the ugly, yet very real, struggles of being a stay-at-home mom. As rewarding as it is, there are some things that many moms do not talk about or sometimes don't even deal with. Now, I am on the other side. I have been working full-time, out of the house, for 2 1/2 years now. In that time, we have added to our family, moved houses, and my job moved cities. I honestly think it takes at least one year to adjust to something major like a career change. The kids have to get used to it, your spouse has to get used to it, and you, as a mom, have to figure out how to make it all work together. After 2 1/2 years, I still struggle. I am tired...actually, exhausted is a better description...all the time. I still carry the majority of the household chores (and cooking and shopping) even though I am working out of the house. My day usually starts with my alarm going off at 5:00 and doesn't end until about 10:30. I don't think this is anything that is exclusive to working moms, but I don't remember being this tired when I was at home full-time. I feel like I have a lot to do and never really get anything done. Once again, not exclusive to working moms. Also one of the reasons I am so tired! :) I also have a job where I am juggling several things and feel like nothing ever really gets done. Maybe this is just me or is this a struggle for all moms? I have a couple more, at least, to talk about in another post. What I would like to know, though, it what do you struggle with? Are you a SAHM or a working mom? Do you stay at home part time and work part time? I've done that one, too. I'm not looking for a debate. I would like every mom and dad out there to know that we are all in this together and we are all raising our kids to the best of our ability. It takes all kinds! Until next time.

Happy Easter!

Woo! Two days in a row! Happy Easter! Every year, on this day, I really take the time to let it soak in what Jesus did for me...for everyone who ever has or ever will walk this earth. Wow. Have you ever really taken the time to really let it sink in? Think about it. This man, who was fully God and fully man, was beaten, spit on, driven to the point of unimaginable exhaustion, then made to drag a tree (yes, the cross was the size of a tree) up a mountain so he could be killed on it. Why? Because He loves us. Because He was God's plan. And you know what? This was not the end. He was buried. He laid there for three days. He was dead...like really dead...like stinky, rotting dead. And then, on the third day, He just got up. He was alive, walking, talking...like really alive! This is what makes this day so amazingly different. This is the one of the three things that my faith is based on. One of the things that I believe without a shadow of a doubt. Do I know how? no. It is not for me to know why. We are not supposed to know everything...that's why it's called faith! I don't know where you are or what you believe, but know that you are loved. By me and by God. I may not agree with what you believe or how you choose to live your life, but you are loved. If you ever want to know more about me or about Christ, just ask. I am more than happy to share my story and continuing struggles.

Hi, there!

Okay. So, once again, it has been over a year since I last posted anything. Life is busy and, let's face it, blogs aren't really all that popular anymore, unless you have a certain target audience. But, I realized that I really like writing, I have an actual computer again, and this is the only way I really document our life. So...I shall try to update more often this year (of course, it's nearly April) and see if I can make a go at it! First, a kid update. We have four. They are now 8, 6, 3 1/2 and 16 months. Oh...my...word. We are busy. And it's not even "out of the house" stuff that keeps us busy. It's just the craziness and chaos of 4 kids! Kyler is in second grade, was just tested for intellectual giftedness, and is turning into a pretty awesome big brother. He's helpful and kind (most of the time) to his sisters and is growing up way too fast for this momma's heart. We have entered the phase of slowly having to let him be more independent and make mistakes. Wow, that's hard. Aaliyah is in Kindergarten and LOVES it! She is still quite a diva princess and that is very hard for me. I'm all about comfort and low-key and she's all about high-maintenance and glitter. She did her first pageant earlier this month and did very well for her first time out. This is not going to be a common thing and she will always compete naturally (as opposed to glitz), but she really enjoyed it and would like to do another one sometime. Juliana is...well...Juliana. She is crazy and wild and three! She has a huge personality and huge hair. :) She loves with everything she has and I love that about her. She is also very big. She is officially "off the charts" in height and only about 7-8 lbs lighter than Aaliyah. Alana is so sweet and cuddly. She is still not talking, but starting to try and repeat words and sign. She is also not walking, but getting there in her own time. I've never been one to really worry about when my kids start doing things, but, given the circumstances of her birth, I am keeping a closer eye on things. Everyone I talk to says she's just the 4th so the others are doing everything for her. Second, job update. I am working full time with Vanderbilt Women's Health, still. I have been there 2 1/2 years now in the Access Center. I got a bit of a promotion when I returned from my maternity leave last year and that added responsibility is kinda nice...sometimes. As with anything, with more responsibility comes higher expectations and I judge myself quite harshly sometimes. Everyone there thinks I'm doing a good job, though, so I guess I'm doing something right. Ray is working from home and still doing photography. He has finally found his niche and it's not families! He is an amazing artist and I am so impressed with what he is able to do with that camera. I guess that's all for now. If there is anything you all would like me to write about, feel free to let me know.

Starting Over

If anyone is out there...I'm back!!
After a long time (over a year) of not blogging, I am going to try and get back into it. A lot has happened in the last year and I will try my best to update and actually have some deep thoughts along the way. :)

For those who are keeping up with the kid count...we now have 4! Alana Noel King was born on Nov. 29th at 5:01 pm. She weighed 8 lbs 9 oz (just like Juliana) and was 21 1/4 in. long. She is most definitely the last! Labor and delivery with her was not how we expected or planned, but she is here and healthy and that's all we ever ask for. The other three are doing very well with her. Kyler feeds her the last bottle before I get home from work and changes her diaper, Aaliyah is great at getting anything else we may need, and Juliana is great at playing with her. She looks just like the other three and is such a happy baby...sometimes too happy at 2:00 in the morning, though. ;)

I am back to work and it is hard. Working full-time with four kids at home is not for the faint of heart! I'm up between 4:30 and 5:00 every morning and am usually crawling into bed at about 10:30. Ray is still working from home and keeping the girls. His business is really starting to pick up and he's had some awesome opportunities lately that will give him even more exposure locally and, hopefully, nationally.
Kyler is now 7 and in 1st grade. He played football this fall and did amazingly well. Daddy was one of his coaches and I'm so glad they had that time together. In this family of all girls, it's important that they boys get their time. He's playing basketball now and we'll see how it goes. With every new sport, there is always a learning curve and Kyler is still climbing that curve.
Aaliyah is still a princess and growing fast. She hasn't done any sports or dance or anything, yet, but it's coming. Her birthday is coming up quickly and I can't believe she is going to be 5! She is definitely the child who tests my nerves every day. We will probably always butt heads, but I am training her to be a strong, independent young lady.
Juliana is now two and turning into our little bruiser. Always into something and talking up a storm. She is the sneaky one who can get away with murder because she is so quick about it. She is getting smarter by the day and loves hanging out with her brother and getting dirty. We have pretty much decided that she will be the daredevil. She's extremely independent and driven just like her daddy.

So there's the quick catch-up. More to come!

King Family Update

Well...we have entered yet another busy season in our lives. On Dec. 20th I returned to work full time and Ray began taking care of the girls and working from home during the day. It has been quite the adjustment, but we are hanging in there and adapting our routine every day until we find a good fit for our family. Unfortunately, my job has me in the car for 45 min. or so in the morning and nearly an hour on the way home, so that takes a lot of time away from the kids. I just keep telling myself that this is just a season and make the best of the time we do have together.
Ray's photography is growing by leaps and bounds. He will be shooting his first wedding in May and has had many amazing opportunities come his way. We are very optimistic about the future of our photography business.
Kyler is now 6 and has lost three teeth. Right now he has the cutest little hockey player smile with one tooth missing on the top. He is doing great in school and is reading above grade level! I am one proud momma. :)
Aaliyah just turned 4 and is still a princess. We are learning each day how to deal with a girl who has very sensitive feelings and a "slight" tendancy to overreact to simple situations.
Juliana is now 17 months and is showing a great personality. She is definitely going to be the life of the party! She is also the reason I am getting more and more gray hairs every day. She is the most strong-willed of all our children and also quite the daredevil. She will test us as parents, for sure.
I think that's all for now. We are all doing great and finally starting to settle into life with a working mom again. I will try to update more often, but we all know how many times I've said that in the last two years! ;)

Kyler's 6!!

Tues. Nov. 2, 2004...Election Day
Where did the time go? I cannot believe that my baby boy is 6 years old! I still remember everything about the day before and the day of his birth like it just happened last week. He is turning out to be a great kid and I am so thankful for that. He is doing great in Kindergarten. His teacher says he is very helpful and friendly, he's doing great with his work, and needs to working on his attitude when he loses at something. At least he got his father's competitive spirit! :) I am so proud of him. He played Fall Ball this year for the Yankees and they came in 2nd place...he held his own very well! He loves his sisters and is very helpful around the house (most of the time). He is also starting to notice a lot of the things they talk about at church. I think it's finally starting to click. I feel so unprepared for when he starts asking questions, but I pray everyday that God will give Ray and I the right things to say at the right times. He is having his first sleepover at our house tonight to celebrate and I'm getting mentally prepared for having 4 boys over all night! ;)

If you still read this blog, thank you. I know I've not been keeping up with it very well. This is a very busy season in our lives and somethings have to give...I don't think my family would appreciate it if I gave up cooking and cleaning to blog. :o

Too long...again

Sorry. The summertime gets away from me and time flies by! I can't get the photos to load right, so you'll just have to imagine them. :o Really, I will work on it when I have a little more time.

We have had a great summer just playing and spending time together as a family. I went to Oklahoma with the kids and my mom and they had a blast getting to know lots of new cousins and seeing Great-Grandma and Grandma Sharon. I hope we can go back sooner rather than later. The older I get and the older my kids get, the more I realize how much I miss being around my extended family.

In early July, we found out that we were expecting #4! A bit surprised to say the least, but we accepted God's plan for our family and started preparing. Last Tuesday, I woke up with some issues and we went in to the doctor to find out that we had lost our beautiful surprise. It was (and still is) heartbreaking, but we know that God has a plan for our family. We do not always know why He allows things like this to happen, but it is His plan, not ours. We firmly believe that God is still the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow and we cling to Him in our sorrow. I know that one day I will meet my beautiful baby in the arms of my Savior.

Kyler started Kindergarten full-time today. He is so excited when he gets on that bus in the morning. I'm glad that he loves school and pray that he keeps that enthusiasm throughout his school years. His teacher is amazing...she is exactly the type of teacher I was praying that he would get. She loves her job, her students, and is so encouraging to the kids. I LOVE that!

Kyler is also starting Fall Ball this week. I've never done baseball in the fall, but he is excited to be a Yankee! He will be playing with 5-8 year olds, so he has a lot of work to do to catch up, but he can do it. He is working hard with daddy after school and his coach is very eager to help him out, too.

I think that's all for now. I will try to do a better job of keeping everyone updated now that we are back in a regular school schedule.

I'm back

I feel like I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry. Things have gotten quite busy in the King household lately.
-baseball season is almost done. Only one more game then the playoffs. His team is second in the 5/6 year old age group. I'm so proud of how hard they are working together as a team.
-Aaliyah has turned into quite the 3 year old handful. She's already learned the fine art of lying (to get her brother in trouble) and using "not-so-pleasant" words (ie. curse words she's picked up from a certain neighbor boy). Needless to say, she has already experienced the hot sauce.
-Juliana is 8 months old (tomorrow) and a handful herself. She has learned how to army crawl, pull up, and she is almost crawling on her hands and knees. She has also learned that when she lays in her crib and screams bloody-murder, mom comes running. This seems to be her favorite thing to do at 2:00 AM. :(
-3 Kings Photography is official. We got our business license and I am now running the business. This is the main reason I have not been blogging as much. What time I have on the computer is spent marketing, researching, keeping track of expenses and income...well, you get the idea. It's overwhelming at times, but I have a feeling that this is why God has not given me a teaching job. I need to be home to run this business that is beginning to take off. **SHAMELESS PLUG** If anyone needs family portraits, children's pictures, engagement photos, headshots, etc. feel free to let me know. I will be more than happy to set you up!

I guess that's all for now. As soon as my husband posts the pictures from Mother's Day and Juliana's baby dedication, I will share a couple with you.

Sat. May 22, 2010

I hope I never forget that day. Not because of something that happened in the world news or national news or even local news. Not because someone famous died or got arrested or shamed themselves. Sat. May 22, 2010 will always be the day that I was so proud of my son that I almost busted out the ugly cry...in public...at the ballfield.

This is his second year playing baseball. He's not the best hitter on the team. He can't throw the ball all the way in from the outfield and he loses all sense of urgency when running the bases when he does hit the ball. But...he improves all season long and from one year to the next. He cheers for his team mates (when he's not playing around in the dugout) and tries hard (most of the time). But...Sat. May 22, 2010 was a day that I hope he never forgets, either. Here is what happened...
Time has run out on the clock and we are at the bottom of the inning, our bat. Kyler is up, the other team is up by 1 run (6-7), and we have two outs and a man on base. "God, please help Kyler hit the ball and make it to base. I can't handle it if he gets the last out of the game...again." Strike one! "God, PLEASE, help Kyler hit the ball." The coach pitches the ball...PING! HE HIT IT!! "RUN, KYLER, RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!" He rounds first and hesitates to run on (despite the coach yelling at him to go to second). After a quick back and forth, which seemed like minutes instead of miliseconds, he makes it to second base. We are tied! "Thank you, God!" Next kid comes up to bat....PING! Hard ground ball right through the infield and keeps rolling into the grass. "RUUUNNNNN, KYLER, RUN HARD!!!" He comes around third and doesn't hesitate to run on to home. The other team throws it home...kid misses the ball...KYLER SCORES!!!!!!

I know Kyler stepped up and hit the tying run in to save the game and that is what made the coach and the team proud. But what makes this so sweet and this mama so proud was that winning run. He has not crossed home plate yet this season, until now. I totally forgot in that moment that poor Juliana was on my hip probably freaking out because mom was jumping and yelling while she held on for dear life...and who knows where Aaliyah was (so thankful for team parents who help keep an eye on everyone else's kids!). I was beyond happy and so proud of my son. You know what's even better than that, though? Seeing how proud daddy was of his son. The look on his face, beneath the sunglasses (thank goodness he was wearing sunglasses, if you get my point), will stay with me even when I'm old and senile.

Stream of consciousness baby update

For the three or four who read my blog...here's an update on Juliana:

She turned 7 months on Tuesday. Wow, time flies even faster the third time around! I totally didn't get any 6 months pictures made...would it still count if I took them now? In the last month she has gone from rolling over slowly to where she wants to go to army crawling, sitting up on her own (when we put her down and pushing herself up to sitting), rocking on her hands and knees, and eating solids. She prefers to have food she can chew on instead of babyfood, so I may just forgo the whole "making baby food" thing like I did with the other two. She has more or less skipped over 6-9 month clothes which is great because we have all Aaliyah's clothes from 12 mos. and up. We are moving the kids rooms around (finally) this weekend. Kyler will get his own room again and Aaliyah will have to learn to share a room...and not wake up her baby sister at 5:30 in the morning! Her little personality is starting to come out and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing! :) She is not the needy Princess that her sister was, but not quite as easy-going as Kyler was. She is very flexible with her schedule, though, and that's nice. We noticed two little tooth buds starting to appear on her bottom gums, so I guess teething is just around the corner. I predict she will be pulling up and crusing before too long and walking shortly after that...although I hope the walking holds off until 12 months. When my hubby gets the pictures from Mother's Day and her baby dedication uploaded, then I will post some here...or I may have to resort to taking pictures myself for uploading. ;)
I guess that's all for now...better go make sure she hasn't pulled herself up in her crib since she's not asleep yet!

Entering a new season

And here we go. I just registered my oldest for Kindergarten today. Didn't I just have him? Wow. When people tell you to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast, I would just nod my head and agree. I don't think it's sinking in how fast time has gone!
When he was born, school seemed so far off. I couldn't even imagine what it would feel like to have a kid in school. Am I that old already? Today was easy...filling out forms, showing him how the kids walked in a single-file line down the hallway. It's August that I really dread. I don't know if I'll be working or not. I don't know what our lives will be like in 3 months, but I do know that he'll be in school regardless of what happens. I went through times that I wanted to homeschool (honestly, I still do) and times when I was all about sending him off to public school (if it worked for me, he will be fine). Private school has never truly been an option for us (although, it would be nice). I was never really scared about him going to public school...until the last couple of years. I've seen what kids are like now. Surely we didn't act like that? I am scared to let him ride the bus with big, scary 5th graders because he is such a follower and looks up so much to older kids. How do I let go? I pray, constantly. The joke has been that I am already praying for his teacher because he knows so much already, that he will be bored and get in all kinds of trouble. Today, I realize that I need to sincerely pray for his teacher...and everyone he comes in contact with. I need to pray that they will impact him in a positive way; that they will be good role models. I've never really prayed over my child. Now is the time.
I feel as though I haven't truly prepared him for what he's going to face in school. Will he be picked on? How will he handle that? How will I handle that? Is he going to get in trouble all the time? I was never in the principal's office...will he be? God has this amazing way to keep you on your knees when you are a parent. Just when you think you've got the groove going, something else comes up to prove that your children are not your children at all...they are His children. Have I done everything I can do to prepare him? no. Is that even possible? probably not. The only thing I can do at this point is pray without ceasing that I can show him God's love as a parent and that he learns to show others that same love.
Knowing that it takes a village, will you please join me in praying for my son, Kyler? That he learns to follow God with the same wide eyes that he follows the big kids? That God will protect him as he starts school in August and that I can learn to let go just enough...enough to teach him independence but not so much that he forgets how much I love him.

Realization

I have come to the realization in the last few weeks that I have not been tough enough on my son. Maybe it's because I thought explaining things to him would be enough. Maybe it's because I thought his dad was too tough and felt I had to compensate for that. Regardless of the reason, he is now 5 and will start Kindergarten in August. I have begun to give him more freedom and have watched how he interacts with others. Why is it so hard to be tough on him? I want my son to be strong, to be a leader, but also to have compassion for others and give of himself to help them. I want him to know his identity in Jesus Christ and to let His love radiate to others. I realize that I have to lead by example, but my example fails way too often.
I always thought I would have a house full of boys...on some level, I think that would be easier than having only one boy and two girls. I all of a sudden feel completely ill-equipped to raise a son. I know I'm not alone...I do have my husband, but, as a SAHM, I am with the kids more. What he is doing and the way he is acting may be completely normal, but we have higher expectations for our children than "just normal."
Being one who likes to read about parenting, does anyone have any recommendations for books on raising boys? A few of the ones I have heard of tend to be geared more toward older boys (later elementary ages). Any suggestions on books or websites?

What's a SAHM to do?

So...what does a SAHM do when the kids aren't home?



On my list today...take care of a few personal beauty things that have been left behind lately
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Hook up our new-to-us washer (thanks to my wonderful brother!) and do laundry

Clean the house...again...but without interruption and no one to mess it up until tonight

Listen to MY music and sing all day

Clean up big kids' room...and mysteriously more things will go missing that they will never miss

Play with my happy baby

Bake cinnamon rolls for tomorrow's rushed breakfast (the boy has to be at the baseball field at 8:15)

Maybe mow the grass (or at least get it ready to be mowed tomorrow)

Maybe take a nap (if I can stop my mind from racing long enough)

ENJOY THE PEACE AND QUIET!






I love my kids, but we all know mom's need a day off every now and then. Thank you to my wonderful mom for taking them off my hands for the day. :)




So...I want to know what you do when you don't have your kids around.

Facebook status'

If you have been on Facebook for more than a day, then you start to realize that you go through your day thinking in FB status updates. Just last night my husband came home from watching basketball with some guys from work and I asked him how it went. He said "it was basketball. I don't even know who won." (we are NOT a basketball family. we believe that it is just a sport to fill in the gap until football starts up again) I asked him if he even knew who was playing. He said it was Georgetown and some Oklahoma team and I quickly informed him that it couldn't be Georgetown b/c they were beat on Thursday. Then I said "this would make a great FB status!" Anyway, I digress. This morning I have had several potential status updates flow through my head (it happens all the time) and thought I would post them all here.
My morning in FB posts:

-woke up with rip-roaring headache...ugh, need drugs and coffee.
-PTL extra-strength tylenol works on my headaches...did NOT need a migraine today!
-so excited...MY BROTHER IS COMING HOME TOMORROW!! *big cheesy grin* (this one actually made it onto my FB)
-tylenol finally kicked in...an hour later. :\
-mmmm, bacon.
-Aaliyah brought me a pair of shorts and said "here mom, these will fit you"...they were maternity shorts.
-after informing Aaliyah that those shorts only fit when there is a baby in mommy's belly and there is definitely NOT a baby in mommy's belly she brings me a tight, skimpy spaghetti strapped shirt (yeah, thanks dear, that won't fit mommy either...because she has had 3 babies in her belly!)

looks like it's going to be an interesting day already!

New Day

After reading back over yesterday's post, I realized that I am sounding really down and negative lately. That's not who I am most of the time, honestly. Maybe it's God working on my heart a little...or a lot! ;)
The school I used to teach at was amazing. Our principal said at the beginning of every morning, "Good Morning! It is a new day and a new beginning." That's how I feel almost every morning. I wake up thinking, "okay, today is going to be different. I will get all my tasks done and spend time with my children loving on them and just having fun." I'd like to say that those things happen every day, but they don't. Things come up. Cleaning takes longer, I'm on the computer longer than I want to be, the baby decided to throw her schedule out the window or is super whiney or wants to be held more or....well, you get the idea. The days I focus on spending more time just playing with my kids, I feel great about that but then worry that the house looks like a mess. The days I have the house looking great, I feel guilty about not having spent more time playing with my kids.
I guess when you're a mom, there's always something nagging at you. There is always one more thing to be done or something to feel guilty about. That's what makes us a mom! So...today, I will start over. I will let my children help me with the laundry, even if it takes three times as long. I will let them play and be kids, but I will also hold them accountable for their actions, discipline them when they disobey, and teach them about giving to others. I will let them wash their own dishes (yes, they like to do it and ask to!) even if I have to go back and wash them again then clean up the water all over the counters and floor. I WILL LOVE MY CHILDREN THE WAY GOD LOVES US! Without condition, despite their flaws and disobedience, in spite of their sassy mouths and selfishness.

Mom guilt

My worst fear has come true. In a constant attempt to mold my children into who I want them to be and worrying about what every little thing they see or hear is teaching them, I have forgotten about my own attitude and actions. In my attempt to make them not so much like me, they have become exactly what I was trying to avoid.
I want my children to love each other. I want them to play together, be polite with one another, give to other people, put others first, and not get caught up in stuff. I don't want them thinking they have to have everything they see on TV or in the store. They, instead, are selfish, greedy, and LOUD! They scream at each other, cry when they get angry or don't get their way, and ask me for everything they see on TV...no, really, at every single commercial I hear "MMOOOOOOOMMMM, CAN WE HAVE...??"
I realized today that it's my fault. I scream at them in anger. I am saying all kinds of words in my head knowing that I can't say them out loud because they will pick them up. I am not honoring God with my thoughts and actions. I am not raising HIS children with HIS love. I pray, I try to take deep breaths and calm down, I try everything I know to do and nothing works. I am so scared they will become adults who need serious therapy because their mother screamed at them when they were little. I'm scared they will go to school and be screwed up because of me...that their teachers will wonder "what kind of parents raise a child like this?"
Yet, I press on. I try to treat each new day as a chance to start over. I continue to pray...and hope that they will still turn out good despite their mother's sad attempt at parenting.