Friday, September 12, 2008

Talked to Grandma yesterday...

Her words, "I'm doing better today than the last couple of days."

Some lesser-known side effects of chemo hit her kinda fast and hard, but had been dealt with when I talked to her.

I don't know what to say when I talk to her. I want to be optimistic (more for my sake than anything) but I don't know what the prognosis is and I don't think the doctors have given one yet. They have to wait for the chemo to start working (or not work) before they can make an educated guess. I want to be there...but I can't. I want to hold on to her...but I can't. I want to hear all of her stories that she has to tell...but I can't.
The truth is...I don't know her as well as I want to. I know and I understand why we moved. I know that mom and dad did the best they could to get us out there about once a year. But I'm still jealous. Jealous of my cousins who were closer and got to spend more time with them. Jealous that they have memories that I don't. Jealous that they get to see her now...and I don't know if I ever will again. Why didn't I know this in April???? Why couldn't I have known???
I look at the quilts that she gave me. Ones that she finished because Great-grandma couldn't. I remember sitting on her kitchen counter eating vanilla wafers and peanut butter and looking through the cabinets for Grandpa's peppermint Extra gum. I even remember what the jar that he kept it in looked like.
I wanted my children to know their great-grandparents as long as I did. I have real memories of them. I didn't want to have to tell my children that their great-grandparents died when they were young. They are really the only ones they have. (My husband's grandfather has only met Kyler once and that was last May. I've only met him once and that was the day before we got married!)
I'm sorry if this is all over the place. Words are coming out faster than I can type. I'm going to go for now. I'm sure there will be more sooner rather then later.

1 comment:

Tina said...

I will be praying for your grandma and for you...