My worst fear has come true. In a constant attempt to mold my children into who I want them to be and worrying about what every little thing they see or hear is teaching them, I have forgotten about my own attitude and actions. In my attempt to make them not so much like me, they have become exactly what I was trying to avoid.
I want my children to love each other. I want them to play together, be polite with one another, give to other people, put others first, and not get caught up in stuff. I don't want them thinking they have to have everything they see on TV or in the store. They, instead, are selfish, greedy, and LOUD! They scream at each other, cry when they get angry or don't get their way, and ask me for everything they see on TV...no, really, at every single commercial I hear "MMOOOOOOOMMMM, CAN WE HAVE...??"
I realized today that it's my fault. I scream at them in anger. I am saying all kinds of words in my head knowing that I can't say them out loud because they will pick them up. I am not honoring God with my thoughts and actions. I am not raising HIS children with HIS love. I pray, I try to take deep breaths and calm down, I try everything I know to do and nothing works. I am so scared they will become adults who need serious therapy because their mother screamed at them when they were little. I'm scared they will go to school and be screwed up because of me...that their teachers will wonder "what kind of parents raise a child like this?"
Yet, I press on. I try to treat each new day as a chance to start over. I continue to pray...and hope that they will still turn out good despite their mother's sad attempt at parenting.