Wednesday, October 3, 2007

struggling and other random thoughts

I have been struggling lately. Kyler has just been driving me crazy and I don't know why. I know he's almost 3 and I know he's a boy and I know he just wants my attention when he doesn't have it. These things I know. What I don't know is why it drives me up the wall. Why do I feel like my 3 year old is walking all over me and treating me like trash? I don't let him talk back, I'm fairly consistent with discipline, and for the most part he is a great kid. Maybe I just take things too personally. He's trying to find himself and his boundries and I take it to heart when he yells at me or refuses to do something I asked him to do. I guess I just need to remember that he is only 3 which is really hard when he has the vocabulary of a 5 or 6 year old.

I was reading a friend's blog this morning about perspective. That's something else I have been struggling with. I look at other moms and wonder how they stay so calm. Why do they seem to love being a mom and staying home and just take all the chaos in stride? There are days that I long to be just a wife again. I want to be able to work on my marriage and fall in love with my husband again without feeling like I'm taking away from my kids or feel guilty about leaving my daughter (who can scream bloody murder for an hour and a half) with the grandparents. I miss loving my husband. I miss the Saturdays we used to just lay in bed all day and watch TV. I miss being able to just up and go somewhere. I miss my job. Maybe this stay-at-home thing is not for me. It's something I've always wanted and dreamed about, but like most dreams, it is not turning out the way I thought it would. Will it get better when they get older? Will it get better when I can have a car and go somewhere? Will it get better when we move and possibly have a more kid-friendly neighborhood? I hope so. I don't want to feel this way.

My final big struggle is with my walk. I really feel a need to get back into the word and have a daily quiet time. I know in my head that my comfort lies with God and he can help me deal with a lot of these feelings I have, but I cannot let go. To those moms with two or more small kids at home; how do you do it? I physically cannot sit down and really study right now. When the kids are awake, I'm trying to clean or do laundry and when they are asleep I'm trying to run my business. I already get up at 5:30 or 6:00 and go to bed at 10:00 or 11:00. Any advice?

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